(For full comprehension of this entry, please refer to
Blogs, #37-39) What have we discovered so far in helping Daenya to locate
within herself the ‘abyss’ inhabited by Berniece’s character in August Wilson’s
The Piano Lesson? We see that it can
take years for someone to accept the ‘burden of their own pain.’ We have
demonstrated that the negative feelings in one’s own childhood must be
re-experienced so the actor can locate the character’s ‘burden of pain’ within
themselves. Daenya acknowledged that the way in which she distanced herself from
her mother was due to an underlying anger at what she believed was ‘desertion’
when she was a small child. By doing further research, she discovered that her
mother had been a hero, not someone who had just walked out on her so she could
go to America. Although that doesn’t seem logical given the circumstances of
her leaving, it is how a small child experiences the absence of a mother, and
that impression remains unless it is brought up from the unconscious.
I asked her to specify how she was able to finally ‘feel’
this truth – not just know it in her head.
This is how Daenya put it: “When I was back home, I did that exercise we
always do - the breathing and relaxing - and then I asked myself, ‘How can I
find my mom, my real mom.’ You see, we really didn’t communicate when she was
alive. She worked so hard right up to the point when she died – although she’d
had to retire – arthritis – then she kept the house for my dad. And I think she couldn’t really talk to me because
she felt guilty about leaving - even though she knew she had to do it to keep
me and my sister safe.”
At this point, Daenya could barely continue speaking. I
shoved the Kleenex box toward her and gently urged her on, “When you asked
yourself ‘How can I find my mom,’ what happened? Breathe, breathe into your
diaphragm, and you’ll be able to go on. This is just like acting. You’re going
to feel these things when you act and you’ll have to breathe and say your
lines… You won’t be able to stop and compose yourself; you’ll have to continue
right in the middle of the emotion.”
Daenya struggled with her breath and found a way to
continue. “I saw my mom in the kitchen back home. She was so vulnerable, so
real - younger than I am now. She had on
this blue dress she used to wear all the time. A particular blue, it comes from
the Island. It was nice, she always kept it clean. Looking at her from the
point of view of a five-year-old she was pretty - even from the back. I could
see her arms working; they looked so strong kneading the loaf – and I could smell
the one that was already in the oven. She was humming, I remembered that she
used to do that and she had a voice, very light and clear. When I saw her in
later years she had changed so much and I don’t remember her singing at all.”
We sat there not saying anything for a while, and then I
told her, “This is the beginning of all the acting you will ever do. You are
inside now. Look at all the details and all the twists and turns your story has
taken to get to this point. You haven’t wanted to look at a lot of this – you
couldn’t until you were ready. But by going step by step, you ‘are’ Berniece
and all the other characters you want to play. You can find everything in this
central story of your own life. You’ve faced a lot to get here. You are brave and
you have what I call a ‘fierce intelligence.’ Actors are fierce people; we
fight for our characters, no matter who they are. We are great humanists. When
we do our job right, people who watch us are able to feel more about issues in
their own lives and gain a little insight into the people with whom they have
difficulties. It’s weird how it works. People don’t understand us at all, they
have no idea how we do it – maybe some psychologists - but that’s about it. I
call this painstaking process, ‘the math of acting.’ There’s a particular logic
to everyone’s life. We run away from pain toward what we want. Actors must
mirror that journey, the difference from other people is that we do it
consciously and continuously, we do it professionally.”
“How can I go through this all the time?” Daenya asked.
“Go through what?” I responded. Honestly, how do you feel
right now?
“OK,” Daenya answered.
“You’re not going to go home and slit your wrists?”
“No, of course not,” she laughed. She went and had lunch
with her daughter instead. Next week, we will discuss why Daenya was OK after
such an emotional experience. And the
sensory objects she has so painstakingly established will become the basis for
other elements of the Integrated Acting Process.
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